Does anyone have a comment?

girl in hiding





moving statue

an almost beautifully choreographed dance

stumbling around and around

she wobbles in her five inch stilettos





her knees collide with hard granite

and laying in pain, undeserving





pretty dress artfully arranged

on the cold marble floor



she preens into a tiny mirror

still beautiful



girls find your place





father looms, his nearness causes subtle hairs

to stand

save face

kiss his lips and dance\beautiful girls





blanket your pain with sweet smelling flowers

empty eyes, window for an empty head



mirrors show these child like reflections

childhood obsessions

grown out of filth, smothered with rot

she blooms into a beautiful shell

with nothing inside her

Does anyone have a comment?
I like it, but line two gives me a little bit of trouble...

"an almost beautifully choreographed dance" would imply that the dance has been choreographed, but not quite beautifully. However, the rest of the stanza seems to indicate that it's not really choreographed at all, as the girl is "stumbling around" and "wobbles."



That would make me think "a beautifully almost-choreographed dance" would make a better line. I think this would be cool, as it would mean the almost-choreographing was beautifully done (which I kind of get the sense is what you are saying).



The idea would then carry over more clearly into lines 11-15; where the actions described in those lines could be considered the "almost-choreography." -- Seems pretty powerful that way to me.



Of course, I'm looking at the work from the outside -- and maybe I'm reading my own ideas into it by changing your line -- but I just can't comment on a poem here without making some kind of suggestion.



Still, it's just a suggestion, do with it as you will.

Nice work.
Reply:Is it okay to answer your beautiful poem with one of mine own?

"Lonely Tears"



Half-sitting, half-laying

His hat in the street

A few coins twinkle there

Nearby, a drummers beat.



His eyes barely open

For what's there to see

A businessman passes

Throws two quarters, maybe three.



Out of guilt or compassion

I'd say the former not the latter

For his eyes never left his watch

As though he doesn't even matter.



But the old man doesn't care

He's already learned how to cope

What he really requires

Is for us to give him hope.



A bard in me, I say to you

You that cannot see his pain

For it does indeed show itself

Time and time again.



If you peer closely

At the corner of his eye

Ah, but first you must sit a spell

And let the sun creep through the sky.



Until time then rewards

It now begins to swell

A lone tiny tear

Has finally climbed the well.



Slowly it builds

Its journey long

Vibrating in rhythm

To the drummers song.



It finally falls

Sliding over the cheek

Pounding through the stubble

Gliding where it's sleek.



Hanging from the chin

Posing in its singularity

And showing all

In utmost clarity.



Only a man

With a broken heart

Cries with

Lonely tears.
Reply:beautiful, an art of words arranged into a beautiful poem!



bravo!
Reply:It's prose with some words missing. Poetry is more than writing in sentence fragments.
Reply:This is a fascinating, well written poem, slightly disturbing and very moving. Excellent imagery. I really enjoyed reading this. Thank you.
Reply:Simply Beautiful, but I wonder about the meaning, what is the girl hiding from? Does the girl need help with something? Or is she writing about something she has seen? You do truly have a poets heart. Keep on writing, it is such a wonderful outlet.